In 1882, Friedrich Nietzsche published a book in which he wrote "God is
dead." As we know, this is not true. God is not dead, but, by a divine
coincidence, at the precise moment when Nietzsche wrote those words,
God put His head down for a 15 minute nap. He'd been working for
millennia overseeing the world and, in particular, spying on us humans.
He needed the rest. Because each God minute is equivalent to 750,000
human minutes, His nap will last 11.25 million earth minutes, which is
7,812.5 years. Thus, He is still asleep and would appreciate it if we
keep the noise down.
Before stretching out, God appointed Cherie Gateaux, a slender, but
bosomy eighteen-year-old Parisian blond beauty whom He had the hots
for, to look after things while He was asleep. (Rumor has it that God
wanted to marry Cherie, but he realized that, because of the
immense difference in age and mortality and despite
His being omnipotent and hung like a horse, He probably wouldn't get to
first base with her.) Cherie's offspring and their offspring and their
offspring and so on for the next 7,812.5 years were to take up her
duties after Cherie's death.
At his age, God had become somewhat absent-minded. He wrote a long note
anointing Cherie and explaining her duties. He placed the note under
some papers in Cherie's apartment where no one else would find it
before Cherie did. God had intended to speak onto Cherie to tell her
where to find the note, but some evilness on Earth distracted him and
he forgot to talk to her before he fell asleep.
Cherie never found the note. Her duties and the duties of her descendants have gone unfilled all this time.
We know about God's anointment of Cherie because His note was
discovered under a floorboard by a construction worker who was
renovating a former strip joint, Heavenly Bodies, as part of the late
1990s' cleanup of New York's 42nd Street.
How God's note came to be there — so far from its place of origin,
Paris — is not known for certain. However, it is known that Cerise
LaTarte, one of the strippers who worked at Heavenly Bodies in the
early 1990s was, like Cherie, very well endowed. Cherist (as Cherie
devotees are called) scholars contend that this is evidence of a
genetic link to Cherie. Others contend that it is evidence of a heavy
use of silicone. Religious scholars also point out that the names
"Cerise" and "LaTarte" have clear French overtones and, despite "Cerise
LaTarte" being an obvious stage name, this suggests that Cerise has a
French heritage and, therefore, may be a descendant of Cherie. The
similarity between "Cherie" and "Cerise" is another obvious clue.
As further evidence of her divine inheritance, Cerise's act involved
jumping naked out of a very large cherry cheesecake that customers were
invited to eat afterwards. As is widely known, cherry cheesecake was
Cherie Gateaux's favorite dessert. Need we say more?
Unfortunately, Cerise disappeared without a trace when Heavenly Bodies
closed. Devoted Cherists, who are convinced of Cerise's divine
appointment, are sparing no expense in their search for her.
Because God is asleep and is, therefore, unaware of our current
religious practices, all normal church services are being held in
abeyance until He awakes in more than 7,600 years. The only thing that
matters now is our devotion to Cherie's descendant. But first we have
to find her.
Cerise's last known stripping gig was more than 15 years ago, so
she might be a little old for that now. Nonetheless, she was known to
work hard at keeping herself in shape, so a stripping job is not beyond
the realm of possibility and stripping is our only lead. Consequently,
church canon requires that Cherists spend all of their time visiting
strip clubs around the world to search for Cerise. It's a dirty job,
but somebody has to do it.
Ascension to an afterlife is possible while God is awake, but those of
us who die while he's asleep are out of luck. Then again, the good news
is that those of us who have lived lives that warrant a trip to hell
have caught a lucky break.
- Honor thy cherries and thy cheesecake as Cherie and Cerise, blessed be she, did.
- Thou shalt tippest strippers well.
- Thou shalt not steal a stripper's tips.
- Thou shalt not speak ill of exotic dancers.
- Thou shalt not kill the buzz in a strip joint.
- Thou shalt not take the name of the Lion, or your Goat, in vain.
(Some Cherist scholars content that this was derived from an earlier
commandment that suffered some erosion of its words over time. But they
could be wrong, so you should follow it just in case.)
Cherie Gateaux was a huge fan of cherry cheesecake, so we eat a lot of it, but other than that there are no dietary laws.
Cherism doesn't have any holidays of its own so, in order to free up
more time to visit strip clubs, it respects the holidays of all nations
and religions worldwide.
Traveling to all of the world's strip joints, paying the cover charges
and buying the mandatory drinks is an expensive undertaking. Any
Cherists who must occasionally work to earn a living and who,
therefore, cannot devote all of their time to prowling strip clubs are
expected to send all of their excess cash to the Cherist church, where
it will be distributed to people who have more time to spend searching
for Cerise. We are determined to find her and inform her of her
God-given, world-saving duties and obligations.
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