Climatologists have referred to the weather in Shalampax as "unbearable," "atrocious," "not fit for human habitation," "horrific," "dreadful," and "ghastly." We appreciate their desire to sugarcoat it to avoid worsening our state of depression, but we know the truth: our climate is worse than words can possibly describe.
Sharkbatteredbyrocks, the oldest Shalampaxian, remembers once, just once, when it was sunny for a whole day, but she is heavily into drugs and remembers a lot of things that never happened. Most of us think that the sunny day Sharkbatteredbyrocks remembered was one of those things.
Shalampax boasts a number of world weather records, including the following:
- Most consecutive days of nonstop rain (458).
- Most rain in a single day (236 cm, 93 inches).
- Most lightning strikes in a single:
- Day (736),
- Month (19,043),
- Year (156,738).
- Strongest wind gust (637 km per hour, 396 miles per hour).
- Highest sustained wind speed (547 km per hour, 340 miles per hour).
Scientists around the world cite Shalampax as proof of the erroneousness of the old myth that lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place. In fact, there are few spots on our island that haven't been struck thousands of times just within the span of our short recorded history. Were it not for the near-constant heavy rain that coats everything with an electricity-conducting veneer of water and immediately douses any flames, our palm trees would have burned down long ago.
The only climatic benefit to be derived from living in Shalampax is that
it never gets cold here. However it does often get so hot and humid that
our chefs steam vegetables by leaving them outside. This technique would
also do a wonderful job of taking wrinkles out of our suits in the unlikely
event that anyone here ever owns a suit.
© Copyright Klebanoff Associates, Inc. and Joel Klebanoff, 2007-2012. All rights reserved.
Shalampax and Shalampaxian are trademarks of Klebanoff Associates, Inc.