The Old Testament is the literal truth as far as it goes, but, due to His advanced age, in 1952 God grew quite sluggish and
decided to bear a Son to assume
some of his duties. That year, Fred, His son and representative on Earth,
was born as a result of an immaculate conception. We know this to be
true because his mother,
Marissa Cortsan, swore to her husband, Jerrad Sheppard, that Jerrad was
first non-deity lover. Despite
Marissa and Jerrad having, on Jerrad's
insistence, abstained from premarital sex,
Fred was a full-term baby born seven months after Marissa's marriage to
The virgin Marissa is revered by Fredians as the mother of Fred. Jerrad
is viewed as just another poor schmuck.
There are some heathen who question Fred's divinity. They argue that Fred's was
not a virgin birth and Fred is not the Son of God. Instead, they
contend that Marissa was just a slut who
lied to save her marriage. We know this to be untrue because Fred
blessed be He, spoke onto us and said, "I am either the Son of God
or a poached egg." Many disciples who have bitten Fred swear that He is
not a poached egg and, therefore, must
be the true Son of God.
Early Fredians considered naming their religion Cortsanity because Fred
took Cortsan, his mother's family name, as his last name. Fred's
reasoning was that God, rather than Jarred, was His actual Father. God
doesn't have a last name, but "Fred" is too common a name to stand on its
own, so Fred had little choice but to go with Cortsan. Nonetheless, the
wise men and women who became Fred's first disciples were embarrassed
Marissa's last name as it was too close to "courtesan," an epithet that
many heathen were already hurling at Marissa, hence the adoption of
"Fredianity" as the religion's name.
Today, Fred travels the world (on a well-appointed private jet to
efficiency by avoiding check-in and security delays at airports)
performing miracles and bestowing His Father's blessings on His
followers. His greatest and most often repeated
miracle is to convince people who would otherwise never consider doing
so to pick up the check in obscenely expensive restaurants.
Another of Fred's specialties is delivering inner peace to wealthy
people by convincing them to take vows of poverty. In addition, in
return for covering all of the costs of performing the phenomenon — an
amount that, through yet another miracle is always exactly equal to
their former wealth — He will also demonstrate to these ex-rich people how
he can squeeze an elephant through the eye of an exceptionally large
needle. He does not, however, promise formerly rich people entry
into heaven as He is currently not on speaking terms with His Father,
the keeper of heaven's gate.
Being of corporeal matter, Fred will eventually grow old and die. When
he does, he will rise to heaven, where he will serve at his Father's
as an unpaid apprentice. He'll complain loudly about his slave status, but complaining won't get Him far with God, even if God is
Fred is not vain, so He doesn't care if his followers
offer him any prayers. Fred's Father, on the other hand, expects
considerable deference and submission, but Fred is currently pissed off
at His Father so, as far as Fred is concerned, just enjoy yourself and
don't worry about the formalities of worship.
Fred doesn't know it, and God is keeping the knowledge from Fred to
avoid any conflicts of interest, but, despite their differences, God
has decided that those who buy an audience with Fred will find an
honored place in heaven upon
their passing. There is no hell, but people who don't show proper
respect to Fred in this way (these people are commonly known as evil
will spend the
rest of eternity, if not longer, among a crowd of telemarketers
and insurance salespeople.
The evil doers will wish there was a hell so they could burn there
- Honor thy shoes and thy socks lest thou damage thy feet.
- Thou shalt neither speaketh nor writeth the word "which."
religious scholars are divided about this one. Exodus 22:18 says "Thou
not suffer a witch to live." In general, spelling skills were atrocious
when Exodus was written. Therefore, just to be safe, avoid the
word "which," even in non-defining clauses.
- Render onto Caesar that which is Caesar's. Render onto
that which is Cynthia's. Render onto George that which is George's.
Render onto Bertha that which is Bertha's. Render onto Harry that which
is Harry's. Render on to Sharon that which is Sharon's. Render onto
… Well, you get the point. (Don't worry about rendering onto
God. If God is really as powerful as He or She claims to be, God can
take care of Himself or Herself.)
- Thou shalt not commit adultery. However, because he is the
son of God,
sex with Fred doesn't count regardless of your marital status.
- Thou shalt not bet against a straight flush.
- Thou shalt not steal home unless you look toward the mound
and catch the pitcher in the midst of an
intense nose pick.
Despite accepting the old testament as the basis of our religion, we do
not adhere to the prohibition against eating shellfish because lobsters
and shrimps are far too tasty to pass up. The occasional milkshake with
a burger is OK too, but don't overdo the mixing of milk and meat thing.
There's only so much tolerance that God and Fred are willing to show in
Because Fred is Jewish, the sabbath runs from sundown on Friday until
sundown on Saturday. It is forbidden to work on the Sabbath unless Fred
is around and he asks you to do something for him.
The anniversary of Fred's birth, March 3, is a sacred holiday as is the
anniversary of his circumcision, March 11. The anniversary of his first
sexual encounter will also be a holiday, but he is still waiting for
that. Much to Fred's surprise and disappointment, His addendum to His
Father's fourth commandment hasn't gotten him any action.
Fredianity is not like other religions. We don't ask for donations from
parishioners. On the contrary, Fred considers preachers who
continually beg for cash to be unseemly money grubbers who are almost
certainly running scams.
Nonetheless, Fred has needs. He wishes to visit with all His disciples
throughout the world to
bestow His Father's blessings upon them. Being constrained by His
physical body and by restrictions on his travel on commercial airlines,
He must travel by private jet. Jets are expensive and so is the
fuel that powers them. What's more, in order to visit even more people
than he already does, he needs to buy a faster jet – preferably
something supersonic. Furthermore, a couple of spare, fully equipped jets
must follow him
around in case one of the jets needs to be taken out of service for
In addition, Fred needs food to feed his earthly body and a place to
lie his corporeal head at night. You wouldn't expect him to eat gruel
and stay in fleabag hotels, would you? All in – amortized jet costs,
luxury hotels and restaurants – costs an average of $124,999.95 per
visit. He'll pick up his own clothing expenses because that's just the kind of
deity's Son He is.
The cost of His visits
must be covered in advance by the parishioners he will visit. He can't
promise how soon He will visit after you make your payment, but He does
promise to get around to personally bestowing His Father's blessings upon
you sometime; if not in this lifetime, then in heaven.
© Copyright Klebanoff Associates, Inc. and Joel Klebanoff, 2007-2012. All rights reserved.
Shalampax and Shalampaxian are trademarks of Klebanoff Associates, Inc.