Republic of Shalampax
An Inane Island in an Insane World

Garbage Disposal

Because Shalampax is a small island, without any room for a dump, garbage disposal presented a difficult problem for Decayingdeadbird to solve.

At one time, Shalampaxians merely heaved their garbage out into the ocean. This proved to be an unacceptable alternative as the monster waves that regularly inundate our shores invariably heaved the garbage back up onto our plateau. The always sea gave back everything we threw at it. Despite being among the world's greatest slobs, the mess this created was too much for even Shalampaxians to bear.

Decayingdeadbird's solution was nothing short of brilliant, which is surprising as Decayingdeadbird is light years short of brilliant.

As you will find in most apartment buildings, Decayingdeadbird made use of garbage chutes. However, because of the massive footprint of our building and because of Shalampaxians' incredible laziness, she strategically placed four separate chutes around the building so as to minimize the distance residents would have to walk in order to discard their garbage.

These chutes lead to four trash compactors located in our building's basement. However, these aren't ordinary compactors. They had to be custom fabricated offshore and then transported over treacherous conditions. The custom-build was necessary because our trash is compacted into the shape of giant torpedoes.

Figure 1: Garbage torpedo & elephant
Garbage Torpedo

How giant? Even after considerable compression, they are much larger and definitely considerably heavier than the average adult human. Figure 1 shows you what one would look like if put up against a typical adult elephant. Of course, this has never actually been done because we don't have any animals in Shalampax, let alone elephants. Besides, an elephant would likely get upset and stampede away if you tried to place one of these garbage torpedoes up against it.

Why compress it into a torpedo shape? That's the genius of Decayingdeadbird's plan. Tubes are attached to one side of each of the compactors. These tubes, which are just big enough for the garbage torpedoes to pass through, poke through the wall of our building below sea level. Tight seals ensure that the tubes do not cause any leaks.

There are four airlocks beyond our building walls—one for each compactor. The tubes create links between the airlocks and the compactors.

Figure 2: Garbage disposal schematic
Garbage Disposal Schematic

Another tube—the firing tube—juts out from each airlock into the ocean.

(See figure 2 for a schematic of our garbage disposal system.)

After the compressor creates a garbage torpedo, an automated mechanism inside the compressor attaches an explosive charge to the back of the garbage torpedo. The torpedo is then pushed into the airlock.

The building-side door of the airlock is then closed and the ocean-side door is opened. At this point, the explosive charge is ignited, shooting the garbage torpedo into the ocean.

Because of how tightly compressed the garbage is, it does not start breaking apart into its constituent pieces of garbage until it is far from Shalampax's shores. In firing tests, some garbage torpedoes have managed to travel as much as 75 miles under water before beginning to break up. At that distance, the garbage is much more likely to wash up on the shores of another nation than land on the plateau of our tiny island.

Thanks to this ingenious disposal mechanism, our garbage becomes someone else's problem and, therefore, not our concern. Not in the least.

Sewage is handled in much the same way, but people tend to throw up when we describe that disposal process, so we'll leave it to your imagination. Hopefully your imagination will be gentler with you than reality would be.

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Shalampax and Shalampaxian are trademarks of Klebanoff Associates, Inc.