Republic of Shalampax
An Inane Island in an Insane World


Shalampaxian written history dates back to only 1952 due to our prior lack of a written language. Our oral skills weren't, if you'll pardon the pun, anything to speak of either. Of course, we use the word "oral" here to mean "spoken." Not that we're bragging, but our other oral skills are and always have been excellent, but this is a family Web site so we won't elaborate. Suffice it to say that Shalampaxian members of the opposite sex (or the same sex if that's your thing; many Shalampaxians aren't particular and none of us think that what goes on between consenting adults is any of our damn business) are people you'd very much like to get to know in a biblical sense.

Before 1952, Shalampaxian conversations consisted mainly of gesturing, grunting and getting unbelievably bitchy over the fact that, despite one's best efforts, people usually didn't have the foggiest of ideas as to what anyone else was trying to communicate. Consequently, whenever Shalampaxians wanted something done they usually had to do it themselves, despite their customary fervent preferences to the contrary.

That all changed in 1952. In January of that year, the sole survivor of a yachting disaster, an elementary school grammar teacher named Marie (she refused to give us her last name), washed up on Shalampax's shores barely alive. A group of Shalampaxians found her and nursed her back to health. That is to say, they fed her. Because Shalampaxians had no medical knowledge at the time, they could do little else. The only reason they did that much was that the group that found her was composed exclusively of exceptionally horny men and she was incredibly beautiful. Again, in the interest of keeping our family rating, we won't discuss that further. Suffice it to say that the men weren't horny for long once Marie recovered her strength. They were, however, constantly exhausted. Marie was, as we say here in Shalampax, "quite a woman," if you get our drift.

On her recovery, Marie immediately began recording Shalampaxian history. She also taught Shalampaxians English so they could take over the task. It was several years until all Shalampaxians were reasonably proficient in English. Even then, Marie's skills as a grammar teacher did not desert her. She unerringly and persistently corrected Shalampaxians whenever they made the slightest of spelling or grammar mistakes. This annoyed the Shalampaxians to no end. Eventually, they told Marie that they were cannibals and that they had spared her this long only to fatten her up. One night, at high tide, Marie stole a boat that, unbeknownst to her, the Shalampaxian government built with the express hope she would steal it. Marie never returned to Shalampax.

Click a link below to learn about our history before and after Marie arrived.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

Privacy Promise

© Copyright Klebanoff Associates, Inc. and Joel Klebanoff, 2007-2012. All rights reserved.
Shalampax and Shalampaxian are trademarks of Klebanoff Associates, Inc.