Shalampaxian written history dates back to only 1952 due to our prior lack
of a written language. Our oral skills weren't, if you'll pardon the pun,
anything to speak of either. Of course, we use the word "oral"
here to mean "spoken." Not that we're bragging, but our other
oral skills are and always have been excellent, but this is a family Web
site so we won't elaborate. Suffice it to say that Shalampaxian members
of the opposite sex (or the same sex if that's your thing; many Shalampaxians
aren't particular and none of us think that what goes on between consenting
adults is any of our damn business) are people you'd very much like to
get to know in a biblical sense.
Before 1952, Shalampaxian conversations consisted mainly of gesturing, grunting and getting unbelievably bitchy over the fact that, despite one's best efforts, people usually didn't have the foggiest of ideas as to what anyone else was trying to communicate. Consequently, whenever Shalampaxians wanted something done they usually had to do it themselves, despite their customary fervent preferences to the contrary.
That all changed in 1952. In January of that year, the sole survivor of
a yachting disaster, an elementary school grammar teacher named Marie (she
refused to give us her last name), washed up on Shalampax's shores barely
alive. A group of Shalampaxians found her and nursed her back to health.
That is to say, they fed her. Because Shalampaxians had no medical knowledge
at the time, they could do little else. The only reason they did that much
was that the group that found her was composed exclusively of exceptionally
horny men and she was incredibly beautiful. Again, in the interest of keeping
our family rating, we won't discuss that further. Suffice it to say that
the men weren't horny for long once Marie recovered her strength. They
were, however, constantly exhausted. Marie was, as we say here in Shalampax,
"quite a woman," if you get our drift.
On her recovery, Marie immediately began recording Shalampaxian history.
She also taught Shalampaxians English so they could take over the task.
It was several years until all Shalampaxians were reasonably proficient
in English. Even then, Marie's skills as a grammar teacher did not desert
her. She unerringly and persistently corrected Shalampaxians whenever they
made the slightest of spelling or grammar mistakes. This annoyed the Shalampaxians
to no end. Eventually, they told Marie that they were cannibals and that
they had spared her this long only to fatten her up. One night, at high
tide, Marie stole a boat that, unbeknownst to her, the Shalampaxian government
built with the express hope she would steal it. Marie never returned to
Click a link below to learn about our history before and after Marie arrived.
© Copyright Klebanoff Associates, Inc. and Joel Klebanoff, 2007-2012. All rights reserved.
Shalampax and Shalampaxian are trademarks of Klebanoff Associates, Inc.