Republic of Shalampax
An Inane Island in an Insane World
 

Pre-1952 History

Just because it wasn't written (see history), doesn't mean history didn't exist prior to 1952. History has a way of happening regardless of whether anyone records it. Yes, yes, we know if a tree falls in the forest, yada, yada, yada. Never mind that philosophical gibberish. History happened and it was recorded in the minds of the Shalampaxians who lived through it.

Of course, because of their lack of verbal skills prior to 1952, none of the history recorded in their minds was passed on from before the birth of the oldest Shalampaxian alive that year. Fortunately, much can be learned by archeological digs that excavate the human remains and artifacts from earlier times. Unfortunately, Shalampaxian burial rituals don't leave anything to be found. We place the remains of the deceased and all of his or her belongings in a huge box . The box is dragged to the outer limits of the island at low tide. A very large balloon with a very small leak is attached to the box. The balloon serves two purposes. First, it keeps the box afloat when the tide comes in. Second, it's size ensures that it catches enough of the incessant winds around Shalampax to pull the burial box far out to sea before the balloon deflates, sinking the box.

We've never told any of the archeologists who occasionally visit Shalampax about our funeral rites. It's way too much fun watching them dig like crazy and then become totally baffled over why no one seems to have ever died here.

Despite not knowing anything about their tools, activities or customs, we do now know that homo sapiens have inhabited Shalampax1 for at least 7,000 years. This knowledge came about as a result of the discovery of a fossilized tuna sandwich. Radiocarbon dating pegged it at between 7,000 and 8,000 years old2. It is assumed that the sandwich must have been made by a human because creating a sandwich necessitates a level of dexterity that can be achieved only with an opposable thumb and because figuring out that a tuna sandwich would be a tasty and convenient food requires near-human intelligence.

For some really ancient Shalampaxian history, click here to learn about the dinosaur fossil found on Shalamapx.

1 Some scientists contend that Shalampaxians are not homo sapiens at all, but rather a barely related species. They suggest that hundreds of millions of years ago a pregnant insect was blown by a tropical storm from it's more hospitable home to Shalampax. According to these scientists, the Shalampaxian species evolved from this insect and, through a fluke of evolution so blindingly unlikely as to be frightfully close to impossible, came to look exactly like homo sapiens.

2 The accuracy of the results produced by Shalampax's radiocarbon dating lab has been called into question as a result of this discovery. There is not a single food historian anywhere in the world who is willing to accept that tuna sandwiches had been invented 7,000 years ago. The lab fell into further disrepute when it recently claimed that the dirt under the fingernails of one Shalampaxian, Brownstone, was at least 17,000 years old. Then again, people who are familiar with Brownstone's hygiene habits are considerably less doubting.



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Shalampax and Shalampaxian are trademarks of Klebanoff Associates, Inc.