Republic of Shalampax
An Inane Island in an Insane World
 

Dispensations for Sins

As the sages of Infinitiaty have proven, there are an infinite number of Gods. Unfortunately for us humans, each of those Gods has a different set of commandments that we must follow and rules about what is good and evil; and right and wrong. If you break any of those commandments or rules you will be in either do-do or deep do-do depending on the severity of the commandment or rule and the God who made it.

Being mere mortals, it is impossible for us to understand the logic of the Gods. We must simply accept Their logic on faith no matter how ridiculous it may seem to us. This is a problem because, with an infinite number of Gods, absolutely everything you do will offend at least one God or another, even if you, with your puny human brain, think you're doing good.

Worst of all, what some Gods command us to do, other Gods command us to not do. Apparently, some of Them don't have any more of a clue about what's going on than we do. The problem is, how can we possibly adhere to two contradictory commandments at the same time? The answer is, we can't

It would appear that we are doomed no matter what we do, but we're not. Fortunately, you can buy dispensations from the Infinitiaty Church. These dispensations will grant you salvation from your sins. The links below will take you to pages that provide dispensation fees for different categories of sins.

In the lists on the linked pages, the "Sin Level" column shows, on a scale of 1 - 5, in whole numbers only, how sinful the associated sin is considered to be by the God who is the strictest about the sin's sinfulness. If you don't buy dispensation, a level 1 sin may only get you a really bad seat the next time you go to a movie. On the other hand, without absolution, a level 5 sin will condemn you to an interminable, excruciatingly painful march toward death, starting almost immediately.

The "God#" column identifies which God is responsible for the sin's "Sin Level." Gods are numbered based on Their Creator level. For example, our Creator is 1. Our Creator's Creator is 2. Our Creator's Creator's Creator is 3. And so on. With an infinite number of Gods, but a sin level range of only 1 to 5, it is inevitable that there will be ties—in fact, an infinite number of ties—for the strictest God designation. Rather than attempting to list an infinite number of Gods, the highest of the tied Gods is published in this column.

The dispensation price is what you must pay per occurrence of the sin if you want to be saved from the normal punishments for your sin. In general, for any one God, you pay more to receive dispensation for a higher-level sin than a lower-level. However, the higher the level of God, the higher the dispensation that must be paid to appease Him or Her.

Sin Dispensations

Keep in mind two things: First, because absolutely everything is a sin to at least one God, the lists on the above linked pages are nowhere near complete. Just because it isn't on one of the lists, doesn't mean it's not sinful. The lists are, therefore, just examples. You should tell a representative of the Infinitiaty Church everything you've done every day and get prices for the relevant dispensations.

Second, the prices quoted on the above linked pages, or quoted by a church representative, are per occurrence of the sin. Obviously, because everything you do is a sin, paying dispensations on a per sin, per occurrence basis can be overwhelmingly expensive. Fortunately, package deals are available to ease the burden.

Sin Dispensation Package Deals

$1,000 Pre-Purchase
Prepurchase $1,000 worth of dispensations and the Church of Infinitiaty will credit your account with an additional $50. That's 5% for free! Then just ask for the dispensations you need until you've used up your full $1,050 account credit.
$10,000 Pre-Purchase
Prepurchase $10,000 worth of dispensations and the Church of Infinitiaty will credit your account with an additional $1,000. That's 10% for free! Then just ask for the dispensations you need until you've used up your full $11,000 account credit.
$100,000 Pre-Purchase
Prepurchase $100,000 worth of dispensations and the Church of Infinitiaty will credit your account with an additional $15,000. That's 15% for free! Then just ask for the dispensations you need until you've used up your full $115,000 account credit.
$1,000,000 Pre-Purchase
Prepurchase $1,000,000 worth of dispensations and the Church of Infinitiaty will credit your account with an additional $250,000. Yes, you read that right! That's a 25% bonus! Then just ask for the dispensations you need until you've used up your full $1,250,000 account credit.

If you plan to lead an active life and, therefore, perform a very high number of sins, monthly dispensation packages are definitely the way to go. As indicated below, the prices vary depending on the level of sin from which you want absolution. But the real benefit of a monthly subscription is that you can avoid the premium that the higher-level Gods normally charge for dispensations. You pay one low monthly fee for all of your dispensations no matter which God you've offended.

Please note that all of the subscription plans require that you pay the first six month's worth of fees in advance. Subsequent month's subscriptions must be paid two months in advance and you must give two months' notice if you wish to cancel your subscription.

Level 1 Subscription: $4,000/Month
This subscription grants you dispensation for all level 1 sins that you commit during the month. If you wish to be granted absolution for any level 2 to 5 sins you will have to buy individual dispensations separately.
Level 2 Subscription: $10,000/Month
This subscription grants you dispensation for all level 1 and level 2 sins that you commit during the month. If you wish to be granted absolution for any level 3 to 5 sins you will have to buy individual dispensations separately.
Level 3 Subscription: $20,000/Month
This subscription grants you dispensation for all level 1, 2 and 3 sins that you commit during the month. If you wish to be granted absolution for any level 4 or 5 sins you will have to buy individual dispensations separately.
Level 4 Subscription: 45,000/Month
This subscription grants you dispensation for all level 4 and lower sins that you commit during the month. If you wish to be granted absolution for any level 5 sins you will have to buy individual dispensations separately.
Level 5 Subscription: $95,000/Month
This is the ultimate in dispensation! This mega-subscription grants you absolution for all of the sins that you commit during the month, regardless of the level. Subscribe to the level 5 package and you can be as bad as you want to be, regardless of which God is judging you ... and they all are.

 

 



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