Shalampax's most authoritative (and only) news voice
|Volume 1, Issue 1||Click here for Shalampax Web site||Published: Today (or not)|
|Stalking the Stalks
SHALAMPAX — Citing serious safety concerns, Graphitepencil, Minister of Health in Prime Minister Manexposinghimself's cabinet, today proposed a bill, The Stringy Vegetables Exclusion Safety Act, that will ban the importation of celery into Shalampax. If passed by parliament, the bill is expected to take effect early next year, although that may be optimistic because it's been more than two years since parliament last saw a quorum.
In explaining the rationale behind the act, Graphitepencil said, "As we all know, celery is a very stringy vegetable. It has come to our attention that, if not chewed properly, it is possible to choke on the stings. I have foreseen the obvious objections to this act, but it is important to recognize that our well deserved pride in Shalampaxians' legendary indolence is not diminished in least by admitting that a few of the more slothful of our tendencies have potential downsides. Inadequate food chewing is among them.
"The danger is particularly acute for children due to their narrower throats. We must be ever vigilant about their safety because, as we can all agree, children are our future. After all, there are a number of things that need doing around here and it's almost impossible to get adults off their butts to do them."
After completing his remarks, Graphitepencil refused to answer questions about rumors suggesting that the act will contain an earmark that will appropriate money from the treasury to triple the pensions of most parliamentarians, but quadruple the Minister of Health's pension. According to reliable sources, taxes will be raised substantially to cover the ensuing deficits.
Prime Minister Skeptical
Prime Minister Manexposinghimself is skeptical of his health minister's proposal. He thinks that it is a useless waste of time because, in all of written and orally recorded history, celery has never been grown in or imported into Shalampax and there are no plans to do so in the future. Manexposinghimself would stop the bill, but that would require getting out of bed and visiting his office, which he is always reluctant to do.
An aid in Manexposinghimself's office explained, "Actually, I'm not really the prime minister's aid. I was walking by when I decided to check the door. It was unlocked, so I came in to help myself to some of the prime minister's stuff."
Before presenting the act to parliament, Graphitepencil will initiate a round of extensive public discussions. He will hold open meetings between 8:00 and 9:25 pm next Thursday in the pub. Graphitepencil has made it clear that he is intensely interested in the opinions of all citizens who are willing to buy a round of drinks or at least spring for a few tasty appetizers.
The meeting must end by 9:25 because Graphitepencil doesn't want to miss a minute of his favorite TV show, American Village Idiot. His brother-in-law, who miraculously sneaked into the U.S. without being detected by the local fraud squad, is one of only four idiots who haven't yet been voted out of the village.
In the ArtsAuthor Reading
Shalampax's sole author, Rottencoconut, will host a reading of his most recent work, Rottencoconut Takes a Nap, on Tuesday at 8:00 pm. Due to the level of success of his last three readings, he will offer attendees free aperitifs, beer, wine, full meals, after-dinner drinks and earplugs in the vain hope of attracting at least one listener.
Note the venue change: In the spirit of almost certainly unwarranted optimism, to avoid the audience feeling too cramped Rottencoconut will hold the reading in his front-hall closet rather than the telephone booth that proved to be more than adequate in the past.
The Shalampax Painting Society, currently numbering one member, Oneleftshoe, will hold oil painting (to clarify, that is painting with oil-based paints, not painting oil, which is considered much more difficult because of oil's liquid nature) classes under the coconut trees at 2:00 pm on the first day that the weather isn't too atrocious, preferably within the next twelve months. To register telephone (3) 325 between 2:00 and 2:15 pm. Don't call at any other time as Oneleftshoe will likely be asleep.
Science BeatDeadworm Soars
The attempts of Deadworm, Shalampax's leading transportation expert, to make travel off our island more convenient are legend. Yesterday he tested his latest invention, the Blasterflier.
At the heart of the Blasterflier is a device that focuses energy from an explosion into a narrow, unidirectional beam. Deadworm built the device on the roof of Shalampax's building, loaded it with an enormous explosive charge — equivalent to ten times the power of the bomb dropped on Hiroshima — and tilted it up at a 45 degree angle. He then took his seat in a glider placed in front of the device and ignited the charge.
The experiment was a tremendous success. His glider finally landed in a small town in the south of France, more than 10,000 miles away. Memorial services for Deadworm will be held as soon as his charred body is returned. Roof repairs are ongoing.
Stuff We Pirated from the NewswireShuttle Blinds
HOUSTON, Texas — NASA reported that astronauts on the returning space shuttle were unexpectedly able to spot Shalampax, a tiny dot of an island, during their descent to a landing at the backup landing site in California. The astronauts immediately transmitted a request to mission control for window blinds on future flights.
SAN FRANCISCO, California — The strange story of the emaciated man who washed up on the shores of San Fransisco in a decrepit boat twelve months ago is finally drawing to a close. After being rescued by the Coast Guard the man claimed that his name was Dirtyrag and that he came from a minuscule country named Shalampax.
When a search for his DNA in an FBI database confirmed his identity he was immediately charged with 1,937 counts of mail fraud and held without bail.
Three months ago, a jury convicted him on all counts and he was sentenced to 20 years for each of 1,437 offenses and 25 years for each of the remaining 500 offenses, with the sentences to be served consecutively. The judge ruled that Dirtyrag could apply for parole after serving two-thirds of his 41,240-year jail term.
Yesterday, Herbert Schlamazal, a California Superior Court judge overruled the lower court conviction, acquitting Dirtyrag of all charges. In his written decision Judge Schlamazal noted that the lower court failed to take into account that Dirtyrag is a devout member of the Paahlmist religion, which considers mail fraud to be a sacred rite that must be practiced by all Paahlmists. "Thus," declared Judge Schlamazal, "Dirtyrag's earlier conviction was a clear violation of his freedom of religion rights."
Dirtyrag was released immediately. He will be deported to Shalampax as soon as officials figure out where it is and how to send someone there.
If this weren't the first issue of the Shalampax Adhoc there would be a link to our archive here. If we remember, we'll replace this text with such a link if and when we publish future issues.