Speckofdust, the sole Shalampaxian to achieve renown as a poet, was already an old woman when she began to write poetry in 1962. Her success was possible because she possessed three qualities that are rare among Shalampaxians, namely there remained a few fibers in her being that weren't entirely indolent, she didn't completely ignore the arts and she possessed sufficient vocabulary to come up with occasional rhymes, if only trifling ones.
Speckofdust's most famous work, Beezelembouerenheir
, is reproduced without permission below:
Pond scum tromps up in the sky,
As letter openers go flinging by.
Singers screech tedious leather,
As choirboys take turns with Heather.
Cracked wheat billows from the grate,
Oranges tick well past eight,
Dairies pick the luscious fruit,
And a fat man farts a great big toot.
Some penises are small,
Even when the ape is tall.
Yet, the body of an ox,
Is far, far bigger than a bread box.
The hill is purple.
A duck does gurgle.
Up above the biggest cloud,
Humanity is not so very loud.
The red blotch upon my neck,
Is much bigger than a speck.
Am I worried enough to have cow?
You bet I am, oh yes, and how!
Oh me; oh my; what misery,
It's not that I love company.
It's just that I do so like,
A fish that rides upon a bike.
Oh my, one of those didn't quite rhyme,
Oh well, I'll let it go this time,
Because this poem is almost over,
Now I can go play in Dover.
Speckofdust died in 1997 never having disclosed the meaning of the poem's title, Beezelembouerenheir
. The last line has also baffled scholars because, not only had Speckofdust never visited Dover, she never left Shalampax and she never expressed any interest in doing so. There has been considerable debate about these points, but only among people who give a damn and have nothing better to do, which is pretty much no one.
Speckofdust was under the impression that a truly intellectual poem is one that a)
includes rhyming couplets, and b)
makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to anyone, including the poet. She dedicated her life to writing such poems. Hundreds of other Shalampaxians have tried their hands at poetry over the years, but none wrote poems as well as Speckofdust did and none attained her fame.
Today, graduate calendars at several prominent liberal arts colleges across
America list a variety of courses dedicated to Speckofdust's works. In
this academic realm, some PhD theses have argued that Speckofdust's works
are highly derivative of Dr. Seuss, while others have suggested that they
are derivative of the ramblings of a raving lunatic who can, to this day,
still be found spouting gibberish at the corner of Yonge and Dundas in
downtown Toronto, Canada on Mondays, Thursdays, Fridays and statutory holidays.
The debate continues.
© Copyright Klebanoff Associates, Inc. and Joel Klebanoff, 2007-2012. All rights reserved.
Shalampax and Shalampaxian are trademarks of Klebanoff Associates, Inc.