At the very core of our metaphysical being there exists a
microscopic, invisible, yet invincible point of pure energy that
confluence of superego, id and ego. This spiritual energy center is
referred to as the superegoidego
confluence or, as it is more commonly known, God.
Thus, most western
religions' concept of God is wrong. God is not a single omniscient,
omnipresent, invisible being who constantly spies on us from Heaven and
a society that is usually a living hell for us humans, particularly in
world's trouble spots, which is just about everywhere at one time or
another. Instead, we each house our own God
that shapes us and influences our interactions with the environment
immediately around us and, in doing so, acts more broadly upon the
Despite it's power to affect the world beyond its corporeal shell,
namely our body, our inner God is incapable of doing anything to
counteract the innumerable bastards who make life miserable for the
rest of us.
We all have the ability to energize our superegoidego confluence in two
ways, one weak and
one strong. The weak energizing ritual involves interminable
meditation. You sit cross-legged on the floor with your back in a
straight, vertical position, while you mentally block out the external
world and your own intruding thoughts as you search ever deeper within
your being until you finally make
your inner God. This is very rarely achieved because the superegoidego
confluence is exceptionally difficult to find using the mortal
practitioners die of starvation while meditating before locating their
inner Gods. In the scant instances when contact is achieved,
you succeed in energizing your inner God only because your infrequently
found superegoidego confluence is so happy to see anybody that it
The more powerful and faster way to energize your superegoidego
confluence is through masturbation. This really turns your inner God on.
Unlike an orgasm achieved through masturbation, an orgasm achieved
through heterosexual sex will not energize your superegoidego
confluence. In this case, bringing the male and female inner Gods into
such close contact leads to a never-ending series of arguments over
unbelievably trivial matters. This endless bickering consumes more
energy than is released by the orgasm.
In summary, Superegoidegoist church members can choose either of two
of worship: They can meditate for hours on end, which is not much fun,
gets in the way of performing remunerative work, and is usually
unsuccessful and fatal. Or they can masturbate a few
times a day. Most worshipers choose the latter.
There is no afterlife, but if you take a break from masturbating
long enough to do a little copulating then some of your genes might
- Honor thy dominant hand and thy privacy; suffer
not the disapprobation of heathens.
- Thou shalt not spill thy seed upon the ground; use a
tissue. (Note to females: you too are required to be neat and tidy
- Thou shalt trust thy inner God when He or She says onto you
that thou shalt not go blind from your religious practices.
- Thou shalt not cop a feel without permission, preferably
- Thy left hand shalt know what thy right hand is doing, but
it might not approve.
Superegoidegoists are encouraged to eat with their non-dominant hand so
that eating need not interfere with the practice of the sacred
religious rituals. If they can't do both simultaneously they might
This ambidextrous eating/worship instruction is only a strong
recommendation. There are no dietary laws.
Every day is a holiday that is meant to be enjoyed to its fullest. But
don't let that keep you from your day job.
The Superegoidego church neither charges its members dues nor expects
its members to make donations to the church. On the contrary, the
church exists solely to serve its members. Consequently, several
hundreds) times a day
church deacons send emails to all church members. These emails provide
valuable information about amazing lotions, potions and devices
that are available at popular prices to help to heighten adherents'
masturbatory orgasms, give them the vigor necessary to increase their
daily masturbating frequency and, thereby, allow them to elevate their
Godliness. As an added benefit, church members also receive
fabulous offers that will allow male members to enlarge their members
and female members to enlarge their breasts.
Please adjust your spam filters to
ensure that these ecclesiastic missives
get through to your inboxes.)
© Copyright Klebanoff Associates, Inc. and Joel Klebanoff, 2007-2012. All rights reserved.
Shalampax and Shalampaxian are trademarks of Klebanoff Associates, Inc.