Shalampaxian visual artists restrict themselves to abstract paintings, which allows them to appear creative by dipping brushes randomly into various colors, wildly splattering canvases using convulsive motions, and then calling it a day. This is the only art form that suits the Shalampaxian temperament.
Fire regulations require that painters work outdoors and that they bring their finished artworks inside only after the paintings have been encased in special fireproof glass. Consequently, before our artists have a chance to sheath their works, all Shalampaxian paintings are enhanced by further splattering from our near-continuous rain.
Restricting themselves to abstracts affords our artists the opportunity to answer questions and critiques with nonsense such as, "My work functions on a higher conceptual plane to synthesize the quintessential melding of shadow and light; being and nothingness; motion and stasis; energy and lethargy; yin and yang; and life and death." Or, "You can't understand my work with your mind; you must experience it with your soul." Or, their favorite, "Only a shallow, soulless, simpleton would need to have my work explained. Now go back to admiring your picture of Elvis on velvet and leave me alone, you paltry bourgeois pinhead." Shalmampaxian artists don't have many friends, but they do
have a lot of hangers-on.
Most intellectuals readily fall for our artists' prattle. When sold off-island,
paintings by Shalampaxian artists typically fetch between one and five
million dollars. When sold on-island, they usually go for the equivalent
of a single-patty burger, without the trimmings, at the scuzziest of fast-food
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Shalampax and Shalampaxian are trademarks of Klebanoff Associates, Inc.